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距離2021年考研還有
137DAY
每日一練 早日上岸
心之所向
Heart's desire
素履以往
你會主動和陌生人交談嗎？
Kio Stark説：“當你和陌生人交談時，你對你的日常生活和他們的日常生活可以進行很好的總結。”。
當遇到陌生人時，我們更應該克服自己默認的不適，勇敢擁抱那些轉瞬即逝卻又無比美好的真誠。
演講題目：Why you should talk to strangers
中英文字幕
There are things we say when we catch the eye of a stranger or a neighbor walking by. We say, "Hello, how are you? It s a beautiful day. How do you feel?" These sound kind of meaningless, right? And, in some ways, they are.
當我們看到一個陌生人或者一個鄰居走過的時候，我們會寒暄幾句。我們會説：“你好。最近怎麼樣？今天天氣很好。你感覺怎麼樣？”這些聽起來並沒有什麼意義對吧？在一定程度上來説就是這樣的。
They have no semantic meaning. It doesn t matter how you are or what the day is like. They have something else. They have social meaning. What we mean when we say those things is: I see you there.
它們沒有任何語義學上的意義。與你今天的感覺或者天氣狀況並沒有什麼直接關係。它們帶有其他意義。它們擁有的是社交意義。我們説那些話的時候傳遞的意思是：我看到你了。
I m obsessed with talking to strangers. I make eye contact, say hello, I offer help, I listen. I get all kinds of stories. About seven years ago, I started documenting my experiences to try to figure out why.
我熱衷於與陌生人交談，我和他們進行眼神交流，語言交流，我提供幫助，傾聽他們。我從他們那裏得到了各種各樣的故事。大約七年前，我開始記錄我的經歷，希望藉此找出這種喜好的原因。
What I found was that something really beautiful was going on. This is almost poetic. These were really profound experiences. They were unexpected pleasures. They were genuine emotional connections. They were liberating moments.
我從中發現了一些很美好的東西，幾乎稱得上是頗具詩意。這些都是含義深刻的經歷。是意想不到的的喜悦。是真誠的情感聯繫。是釋放自我的瞬間。
So one day, I was standing on a corner waiting for the light to change, which, I m a New Yorker, so that means I was actually standing in the street on the storm drain, as if that could get me across faster. And there s an old man standing next to me.
比如有一天，我站在街口等綠燈，我是一個紐約客，所以那意味着我實際上是站在馬路邊的雨篦子上，就好像我因此能夠快一些過馬路一樣。我身邊站了一個老年人。
So he s wearing, like, a long overcoat and sort of an old-man hat, and he looked like somebody from a movie. And he says to me, "Don t stand there. You might disappear." So this is absurd, right? But I did what he said. I stepped back onto the sidewalk.
他穿着一件長大衣，戴着一頂老年帽，看起來就像是從電影裏走出來的。他對我説，“不要站在那裏，你可能會消失的。”這聽起來很荒謬，是吧？但是我照他説的做了。向後退了一步回到人行道上。
And he smiled, and he said, "Good. You never know. I might have turned around, and zoop, you re gone." This was weird, and also really wonderful. He was so warm, and he was so happy that he d saved me. We had this little bond.
他對我微笑了一下，然後説：“很好，誰知道呢，可能我轉個身，然後嗖的一下你就消失了。”這聽起來怪怪的，但卻讓我感覺特別好。他是那麼熱情，並且因為“挽救”了我而感覺那麼開心。我們建立起了小小的聯繫。
For a minute, I felt like my existence as a person had been noticed, and I was worth saving. The really sad thing is, in many parts of the world, we re raised to believe that strangers are dangerous by default, that we can t trust them, that they might hurt us.
有那麼一會兒，我覺得我的存在被人注意到了，並且我是值得被拯救的。但讓人遺憾的是，在世界的很多地方，我們受到的教育讓我們相信，陌生人都是危險的，我們不能相信他們，因為他們可能會傷害到我們。
But most strangers aren t dangerous. We re uneasy around them because we have no context. We don t know what their intentions are. So instead of using our perceptions and making choices, we rely on this category of "stranger."
但是大多數陌生人並不危險。我們在他們身邊會感到不安，是因為不瞭解他們的背景。我們不知道他們的意圖何在。所以我們依賴於“陌生人”這個範疇，而不是自己的覺察力和決策力。
I have a four-year-old. When I say hello to people on the street, she asks me why. She says, "Do we know them?” I say, "No, they re our neighbor." "Are they our friend?" "No, it s just good to be friendly."
我有一個四歲的小孩。當我在路上與別人打招呼時，她問我為什麼要這樣做。她問：“我們認識他們嗎？”我説：”不，他們是鄰居。”她問：“他們是我們的朋友嗎？”我回答：“不，但是我們應該為人友善。”
I think twice every time I say that to her, because I mean it, but as a woman, particularly, I know that not every stranger on the street has the best intentions. It is good to be friendly, and it s good to learn when not to be, but none of that means we have to be afraid.
每當我對她這樣説的時候，我都會反覆思量，因為我真的是這樣認為的，然而作為一名女性，我尤其知道並不是每一個陌生人都有好的企圖。對別人友善是好的，而學習判斷何時不該這樣也是對的，但不管哪一種，都不意味着我們要對他們心懷恐懼。
There are two huge benefits to using our senses instead of our fears. The first one is that it liberates us. When you think about it, using perception instead of categories is much easier said than done. Categories are something our brains use. When it comes to people, it s sort of a shortcut for learning about them.
依靠感覺而不是恐懼可以為我們帶來兩個巨大的好處。第一個好處在於，這樣做能夠使我們解放自我。想一下，依賴自己的覺察力而不是已有的“陌生人”範疇，的確是説起來容易做起來難。分類是我們大腦慣用的伎倆。對於人這一分類來説，這對學習瞭解他們 是某種意義上的捷徑。
We see male, female, young, old, black, brown, white, stranger, friend, and we use the information in that box. It s quick, it s easy and it s a road to bias. And it means we re not thinking about people as individuals. I know an American researcher who travels frequently in Central Asia and Africa, alone.
我們看到男性、女性、年輕人、老年人、 黑種人、黃種人、白種人、陌生人、朋友……然後我們就運用在那一分類之下的信息。這種方法很快捷，很簡單，也同時帶來了偏見。這意味着我們沒有把人們看作單獨的個體。我認識一位經常在中亞和非洲獨自旅行的美國研究員。
She s entering into towns and cities as a complete stranger. She has no bonds, no connections. She s a foreigner. Her survival strategy is this: get one stranger to see you as a real, individual person. If you can do that, it ll help other people see you that way, too.
她進入那些城鎮的時候是完完全全的陌生人。她和別人沒有任何聯繫。就是一個外國人。她的生存法則是：讓一個陌生人把你當作一個真實存在的獨立個體。如果你能做到這樣，其他人也就能夠通過這種方式注意到你。
The second benefit of using our senses has to do with intimacy. I know it sounds a little counterintuitive, intimacy and strangers, but these quick interactions can lead to a feeling that sociologists call "fleeting intimacy." So, it s a brief experience that has emotional resonance and meaning.
憑自己感覺的另外一個好處與親密感有關。我知道把陌生人和親密感放到一起聽起來有些有悖直覺，但是這些快速的互動可以帶來一種被社會學家們稱作“短暫親密”的感覺。所以這是一段有情感共鳴和意義的短暫經歷。
It s the good feeling I got from being saved from the death trap of the storm drain by the old man, or how I feel like part of a community when I talk to somebody on my train on the way to work. Sometimes it goes further.
這就是那位老人將我從雨篦子的“死亡陷阱”中“拯救”出來之後，我得到的那種美妙的感覺；或者是在我乘火車上班與別人交談時感覺自己是社羣的一份子。有時候還會更進一步。
Researchers have found that people often feel more comfortable being honest and open about their inner selves with strangers than they do with their friends and their families -- that they often feel more understood by strangers.
研究表明，人們通常對陌生人敞開心扉相比對家人和朋友要更容易一些——人們經常覺得更容易被陌生人理解。
This gets reported in the media with great lament. "Strangers communicate better than spouses!" It s a good headline, right? I think it entirely misses the point.
媒體十分悲觀地報道了這一發現，將其稱作：“陌生人之間的交流要好過配偶之間！”這標題很搶眼，不是嗎？
The important thing about these studies is just how significant these interactions can be; how this special form of closeness gives us something we need as much as we need our friends and our families.
但我覺得他們完全沒有抓住關鍵點。研究的核心是陌生人之間的互動有多重要；這種特殊的親近能夠提供我們所需要的東西，就像我們需要朋友或者家人一樣。
So how is it possible that we communicate so well with strangers? There are two reasons. The first one is that it s a quick interaction. It has no consequences. It s easy to be honest with someone you re never going to see again, right? That makes sense. The second reason is where it gets more interesting.
那麼為什麼我們和陌生人能交流得如此順暢呢？這當中有兩個原因。其一在於這是一個快速的互動，並不會涉及到任何後果。對以後再也不會見到的人坦誠相見並沒有特別難，對吧？這樣説得通。第二個理由要有趣得多。
We have a bias when it comes to people we re close to. We expect them to understand us. We assume they do, and we expect them to read our minds. So imagine you re at a party, and you can t believe that your friend or your spouse isn t picking up on it that you want to leave early.
我們對親近的人存在偏見。我們期待他們理解我們。我們默認得到了他們的理解，也期待他們會站在我們的角度思考。假設你在參加派對，你無法接受你的朋友，或者是配偶，竟然沒有注意到你想要早點離開。
And you re thinking, "I gave you the look." With a stranger, we have to start from scratch. We tell the whole story, we explain who the people are, how we feel about them; we spell out all the inside jokes. And guess what? Sometimes they do understand us a little better.
你會想，“我向你使過眼色了。”對待陌生人的時候，我們就需要從零開始。我們要講清前因後果，我們會解釋都有哪些人，以及我們對他們的看法；我們會解釋清楚笑點在哪裏。猜猜結果是什麼？有時候他們確實能更好的理解我們。
OK. So now that we know that talking to strangers matters, how does it work? There are unwritten rules we tend to follow. The rules are very different depending on what country you re in, what culture you re in.
好的。現在我們知道與陌生人的交流關係重大，但是為什麼會這樣呢？我們會遵循一些約定俗成的規矩，這些規矩會因為你所在的國家和文化背景有所差異。
In most parts of the US, the baseline expectation in public is that we maintain a balance between civility and privacy. This is known as civil inattention. So, imagine two people are walking towards each other on the street. They ll glance at each other from a distance.
在美國大多數地方，公共交流的底線是我們要維持禮貌和隱私的平衡。也就是我們説的“禮節性疏忽”。想象兩個人在街道上面對面走近。他們會遠距離觀察對方。
That s the civility, the acknowledgment. And then as they get closer, they ll look away, to give each other some space. In other cultures, people go to extraordinary lengths not to interact at all.
這是禮節，是對他人的認可。但是隨着他們走近彼此，他們會移開視線，目的就是給對方一些個人空間。在其他文化中，人們會盡力避免跟其他人有任何接觸。
People from Denmark tell me that many Danes are so averse to talking to strangers, that they would rather miss their stop on the bus than say "excuse me" to someone that they need to get around. Instead, there s this elaborate shuffling of bags and using your body to say that you need to get past, instead of using two words.
丹麥的朋友告訴我，很多丹麥人不願意和陌生人講話，以至於他們寧願坐過站也不願意對別人説“借過”，好騰出地方讓自己下車。他們只會通過故意移動揹包和肢體語言來告訴別人他們需要借過，而不是用簡單的兩個單詞。
In Egypt, I m told, it s rude to ignore a stranger, and there s a remarkable culture of hospitality. Strangers might ask each other for a sip of water. Or, if you ask someone for directions, they re very likely to invite you home for coffee.
在埃及，有人告訴我，無視陌生人是十分沒有禮貌的做法，並且有很多關於友善的文化。陌生人之間可以分享飲用水，或者如果你向當地人問路，他們很有可能會邀請你到家裏喝杯咖啡。
We see these unwritten rules most clearly when they re broken, or when you re in a new place and you re trying to figure out what the right thing to do is. Sometimes breaking the rules a little bit is where the action is. In case it s not clear, I really want you to do this. OK?
只有當這些規矩被打破的時候，或者我們在新環境中想要入鄉隨俗，才會注意到這些本來習以為常的規矩。有時候稍微破壞一下規矩就可以發現正確的舉動。萬一正確的舉動並不是那麼明確，我很希望你們能這樣做。
So here s how it s going to go. Find somebody who is making eye contact. That s a good signal. The first thing is a simple smile. If you re passing somebody on the street or in the hallway here, smile. See what happens.
可以試着這樣尋求幫助。找一個和你在進行眼神交流的人。有眼神交流是一個很好的信號。你首先要做的是微微一笑。如果你在街道上或是走廊裏與人擦肩而過，微笑一下，看看會發生什麼。
Another is triangulation. There s you, there s a stranger, there s some third thing that you both might see and comment on, like a piece of public art or somebody preaching in the street or somebody wearing funny clothes. Give it a try. Make a comment about that third thing, and see if starts a conversation.
另外要做的一件事是三角評估。在這個三角形中有你，一個陌生人，以及一件你們都能看到或者評價的物品，比如説一件藝術展品，或者是在街道上傳教的人，或者是衣着滑稽的人。試試看。對第三件事情稍加點評，看能不能開始一段對話。
Another is what I call noticing. This is usually giving a compliment. I m a big fan of noticing people s shoes. I m actually not wearing fabulous shoes right now, but shoes are fabulous in general. And they re pretty neutral as far as giving compliments goes. People always want to tell you things about their awesome shoes.
另外個技巧我稱它為"關注"。一般在這種情況下要讚美別人。我十分注意別人的鞋子，雖然我現在並沒有穿特別搶眼的鞋子，但是總的來説，鞋子都是很棒的。而且一般在讚美的時候都是比較中立的着眼點。人們總是願意就他們的靚鞋多聊幾句。
You may have already experienced the dogs and babies principle. It can be awkward to talk to someone on the street; you don t know how they re going to respond. But you can always talk to their dog or their baby. The dog or the baby is a social conduit to the person, and you can tell by how they respond whether they re open to talking more.
你可能已經體會過了愛犬原則或者是嬰兒原則。和街道上的陌生人聊天可能會很尷尬——你不知道他們會怎麼回應你。但你總是可以對他們的寵物狗或者是小孩講話。寵物狗或者是小孩就是那個人的社交引線。通過他們的反應，你可以判斷出他們是不是願意多聊幾句。
The last one I want to challenge you to is disclosure. This is a very vulnerable thing to do, and it can be very rewarding. So next time you re talking to a stranger and you feel comfortable, tell them something true about yourself, something really personal. You might have that experience I talked about of feeling understood.
我最後想要挑戰各位的一點是關於能否開誠佈公。這是非常示弱的行為，但同時也會帶給你極大的回饋。所以下一次，當你自在地與陌生人聊天的時候，告訴他們一些真實的事情，説一些很私人的話題。你可能會感受到我提到的那種被理解的感覺。
Sometimes in conversation, it comes up, people ask me, "What does your dad do?" or, "Where does he live?" And sometimes I tell them the whole truth, which is that he died when I was a kid. Always in those moments, they share their own experiences of loss.
有時在交談的時候，有人問我：“你爸爸是做什麼的？”或者“他住在哪裏？”有時候我會對他們完完全全講真話，也就是我爸爸在我小的時候就去世了。每當那種時刻，他們也會向我分享他們過世的親人的故事。
We tend to meet disclosure with disclosure, even with strangers. So, here it is. When you talk to strangers, you re making beautiful interruptions into the expected narrative of your daily life and theirs. You re making unexpected connections. If you don t talk to strangers, you re missing out on all of that.
一般來説，人們願意彼此敞開心扉，對陌生人也不例外。所以總的來説，當你在與陌生人聊天的時候，你通過介紹自己的經歷，對自己和別人的生活進行了非常美妙的打擾。你們建立起了未曾預料過的聯繫。如果你不與陌生人交談，你就錯過了所有那些美好的經歷。
We spend a lot of time teaching our children about strangers. What would happen if we spent more time teaching ourselves? We could reject all the ideas that make us so suspicious of each other. We could make a space for change.
我們花費了很長時間教導我們的孩子如何對待陌生人。如果我們能花更多時間教教自己呢？我們能夠終止無數的猜忌。我們能夠創造一個改變的空間。
Thank you.
謝謝。
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